‘My husband has been giving her money each month. The deposits from October 2024 through February 2025 total almost $13,000’

Dear Quentin,

I need a little advice, please. My husband has enabled our daughter for many years by giving her money and never questioning why she needs it. She is now 37, and has a partner who has a good salary. She works from home. They have an infant and a 2-year-old. She spends money frivolously and likes to take vacations.

I found out my husband has been giving her money each month and the deposits from October 2024 through February 2025 total almost $13,000. What advice would you give me to say to him? He knows I know that he gives her money, but he doesn’t know I know the amount. ?There’s a very long backstory and he has always been an enabler.

?I don’t want to get into all of the specifics, but I would like to know what I could say to him to get it to stop. A divorce would stop him immediately, as he would have to pay me and split assets. It’s been going on for so many years that I don’t know if I can say anything to get it to stop. What do you recommend that I do?

Wife & Mother

Related: My boyfriend struggled to come up with a down payment when we bought our house. I have $50K in investments. Was I wrong to keep this to myself?

Dear Wife,

You ask what you can say to him, but also say that you don’t think there’s anything you can say to him, so the first thing you should do is address the conflict within yourself before you stand up to your husband and address the conflict, however unspoken, in your marriage. By not speaking up, you are living in a prison of your own making. You alone have responsibility for that.

Yes, as a married couple, you deserve to know if thousands of dollars are being spent – money that could be used for your future. If he wants to act unilaterally and secretively – two hallmarks of financial infidelity – he should hear from you how that impacts your marriage. He may attempt to justify what he has done, but if he knew it was OK he would have told you about it.

So what do you say to him? You can say a number of things, but it’s important to do so calmly and without anger (that will only create noise and become a distraction). 1) Tell him how it makes you feel: “Giving money without my knowledge makes me feel disrespected. It also makes it hard for me to trust you. 2) Ask questions: “Why didn’t you tell me?”

By not speaking up and addressing this conflict in your marriage, you are living in a prison of your own making. You alone have responsibility for that.

Don’t call him names, and avoid getting into a fight where your husband justifies giving your daughter this money. That will distract from the real issue: the secrecy and hurt it causes you personally and the damage it could do to both your faith in your marriage and your right to be able to plan for a secure future with some peace of mind that he won’t drain your funds.

This is a big secret to have, and it’s totally disrespectful to you, your marriage and your own financial future. He is putting yours at risk by giving away so much money. What if one of you requires long-term care. Who is going to pay for that? Even if you have Medicare, what if you have a medical emergency and incur copays, deductibles or out-of-network charges?

Your husband enables your daughter, but it’s more concerning that he is lying to you. Your daughter spends this money on vacations, but do you get a vacation?. You’ve worked your entire life raising your kids and/or in a job in order to enjoy your retirement. I assume you don’t have millions of dollars in the bank where your husband can afford to give money away like this.

Tell him how it makes you feel and ask questions. Don’t call him names and avoid getting into a fight where he justifies giving your daughter money.

Overall, are you happy? Consult a marriage counselor and matrimonial attorney if you have to. This could be a symptom of other problems with your marriage. Are you willing to pursue a life without your husband? You may not change your husband and he may not stop lying to you. Nothing happens in isolation. Be honest with yourself about the totality of your marriage.

Divorce sounds like an out-of-proportion response – until, that is, you call it what it is: infidelity or, to be more specific, financial infidelity. More than 40% of people in committed relationships have admitted to some form of financial infidelity, with 85% saying it has negatively affected the relationship, according to this National Endowment for Financial Education poll.

I don’t throw that phrase around lightly. It can be overused (like “gaslighting”). Unlike this woman, who neglected to file her joint taxes due to mental-health issues and feels guilt, your husband has gone out of his way to defy your wishes and secretly give money – money that should and could be used on your own retirement – to your daughter.

You will have more success with this conversation – and others that may follow – if and when you know how far you are willing to go to get the life that you want.

Related: ‘We were in a bad place’: My husband wrote a secret will. Should I do the same – and remove him as beneficiary on my life insurance?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:’

I opt to fly private – no matter what the cost’: The caviar in first class tastes like burnt plastic. What ever happened to airline standards?

I’m 54 and have terminal cancer. I have a wife, 47, and child. How do I split my $1.2 million retirement and life insurance between them?

‘She’s the queen of CDs’: My mother-in-law, 83, opened 12 CDs at different financial institutions. Should I intervene?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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